Diary of a Mass Murderer

Bullied since I entered the building

For my weirdly shaped head

I thought I was better?

The insults grind up and smash

against my tiny brain

Like a storm of jagged stones

They even throw them at me

 

My family can’t even look at me

They pass my room

Squeaking some faint noise

Shove my food on a tray and slide it

Under my door, like a prison

“Have you got a job yet?”

 

Their names stand like ghosts

Whispering around my brain

I can hear their words in my dreams

That’s right, I’m nothing, my ocean

The shampoo in my eyes

 

She left me and I felt nothing

I’ve played out the scene in my head

A thousand times before in my mind

Before we even met

I acted sad on the stage

But in actuality nothing is reacting

I just drink a glass of orange juice

 

The nitrous fills my lungs

I float higher than the balloon in front of me

 

When I come back down

My eyes break like glass

 

Lack of Communication

Hovering on top of a parade

Of tiny black ants

They lead me to the sea

But not a step further

It’s a place they can’t grasp

So they fear it

Leaving whispers in the salty air

As they head home

 

I stare out to the sea

I try to make conversation with it’s waves

But they’re too fleeting

Rising and falling

Living and dying

I don’t want to occupy too

much of their short

Lives

 

So I shout out to the ocean

Timeless

But it has no mouth

So it can’t reply even if it wanted to

I guess some things on this planet

Aren’t meant to communicate

Is This Hell?

Flashing lights and frozen wheels

Burnt asphalt and melted rubber

Traffic lights stuck on red

No one can move, no one intends to

We all wait with bated breath

We all wait for something

That will never come

The crows are curious and

The rabbits are roused

We stand like statues

Made for this moment

Waiting for something

That will never come

 

Is this hell?

A Million of Me

Press your head against my chest

Drunkedly half-assed dancing

To teenage angst-filled songs

With lyrics that only we think we get

 

I’ll hold you and kiss you

Just like millions of others

Right at this moment

 

A million versions of me

In alternate universes

Maybe they’re holding you

Maybe they’re holding another

But what we all feel

Holding our woman

It’s like a cold wave

Flooding our scorched brains

The steam lets off a hiss

Blinding us for a while

In a haze of pink

And when it fades

We all gaze into a face

That simply makes our hearts soar

A Simple Man

He sang with a simple voice

Simple, but honest

He led a normal life

Read easy, fluffy books

Had cliche memories

And such pleasant dreams

He felt something was wrong

When everything was right

The world was not so simple as he thought it

An empty hole gaping further across his heart

Filling itself with overused inspirational quotes

The words turned to jumbled up letters

So he did what any sane man would do

He took his own life

And the simple people wondered why

All Critters Big and Small

I dream of forests filled with friendly critters

Bears loudly roaring with delight, whilst hugging me

Spiders and snakes injecting serotonin

Birds motivating me with songs of praise

Fish splashing me with warm water from the river

Across my face

I dream of all animals, big and small

Greeting me with such happiness

Such togetherness

I smile and sing my species song back to them

Whilst raising my rifle to their foreheads

One by one pulling the trigger

Beaming with happiness

Wondering how this could go wrong

The Monotony of a Half-Man

Get up

Eat cereal if hungry

Drink breakfast juice

Neglect brushing teeth

Too cold for showering

Check social media

Check emails

Listen to music

Play computer games

Get changed into work clothes

 

Motorcycle there

 

WORK, WORK, WORK

WORK, WORK,WORK

 

Motorcycle back

 

Eat dinner

Chat with parents

Chat with girlfriend

Consider shower

Play computer games

Masturbate

Watch a movie

 

WRITE, WRITE, WRITE

WRITE, WRITE, WRITE

 

Read a book

Turn off the light

Think, dream

Dreaming, thinking

Sleeping

 

NIGHTMARE, NIGHTMARE, NIGHTMARE

NIGHTMARE, NIGHTMARE, NIGHTMARE

 

Wake up

 

Get up

Repeat

 

A single note plays through my mind, uninterrupted, undisturbed. Just as they would like it. Discord and changes to the note can result in beautiful melodies.

The Human Condition

Walking on into a field

Where blood has been spilt

Soldiers have bayoneted one another

Bullets have teared and ripped skin

Lances have pierced and run down many men

Horses have trampled faces into the ground

Swords have butchered flesh

Cannons have spread body parts into beautiful artworks

Dogs have feasted upon terrified foxes

Young women have bled here in painful solitude

Men have cut themselves raw

Shell shock

Bombs

Gas

Hysterical laughter

Graveyards

Screams

Maggots

Angels and demons

The bible

The grass is red, so, so red

The Devil is here

And he has been fed

 

The Buddha

Calm, the epitome of calm

Serene, sitting on a seat of flowers

He fights the demons of his mind

With love and careful listening

He makes friends with them

He tricks them into submission

He makes them lose their jobs

Their livelihoods, with subtle persuasion

Their children

Will go begging in the streets

Of his brain

Looking for jobs

While he sits there

On a seat of flowers

Making love with his peace

 

Suicidal Fantasy

I grab a chair from the kitchen

Moving it to the centre of the room

Where a noose hangs from the ceiling

I learnt the hangman’s knot

From the scouts

One of the only things I could do right

 

I stood up on the chair

And looked around my living room

So dark, so empty

There’s no substance

Empty pots, dirty plates

There’s no living here

The window shows me

The bleak landcsape of the moors

Lifeless, dead trees

Grey skies

Carcasses of sheep

 

I look through the noose

 

A land of sharp, green grass

Vibrant, powerful colours

Flowers of the rainbow

Pure white skies

Bustling wildlife, birds of paradise

Singing sweet songs of euphoria

 

I kick the chair

 

My neck doesn’t break

 

So I guess I’ll just have to wait

The two worlds merge together

Like broken clips of film

Till I’ve lost all distinction between the two

Out of focus, blurry

The pixels dislodge and fly off

In all directions

Losing colour as they fizzle out

Fading into a harmonious white

My body breaks up

Melting into the white fabric

I see bits of memory float away

Dreams, reality, nothing..