Fish Eating and Shitting

Broken shards of a mirror

And a sinking feeling

That takes me deep, deep down

To the bottom of the sea

Air bubbles of memories rise around me

I look closer, and see memories

Memories of all of them and all of me

My missed opportunities

Deeper and deeper I sink

Until I hit the seafloor

And, what is beauty but trickery?

What is sight but endless anxiety

All those that possess it

Give fear and feel fear

On and on

The circle spins

Gentle whispers roll about me

The rolling beat of the currents

Tossing me this way and that

The fish smell me out

And come for me

Ready to take me into their stomachs

To eat and shit, eat and shit me out

Over and over

Until I am a part of every single fish

I can see through their eyes

And I do see misery

I see myself a thousand billion times

And my heart aches, it aches

A thousand billion times, I wish I could throw this link between all my selves

But I can’t stop living, and they won’t stop eating and shitting

Walls

Something I thought long dead

Awakes in me

An outburst awaits

Insides the gates

The walls are crumbling

Walls built by my own hand

Crumbling and worn

The ground shakes

Threatening to topple

All that I had built up

This time

I hope the walls stay down

Imagining In My Room

I can feel the air 

Around my room 

I can move inside of it 

I can sense the currents 

Surfing around my skin 

I find myself resurfacing 

Gasping for breaks 

Only to dive right back in 

To feel the cold sea water 

Freeze my head 

Bringing sharpness 

And clarity 

To my touch 

My hands reach to the bottom 

Grabbing clumps of sand 

I rise to resurface again 

Lifting my hands up to the sun 

Watching the sand 

Melt away from my palm 

Finding Virtue in Loneliness

As the piano notes 

Rise and fall 

My being pangs

With loneliness

My voice tries to call out

But the words don’t come

Just stuttering

Watching from a distance 

Shunned and stunted 

Visions of the past 

Pretend to hold me up 

To support me

Masking themselves 

As my friends 

Spectres of good feelings 

Hollowed out and replaced

With sinister sentiments 

And so 

With the daily grating

Of my spirit 

Whilst listening 

To their haranguing

I submit

To something far above myself 

To something virtually unhuman

Virtue

Memories with Faces

The body comes up 

With amazing ideas 

When thoughts float by

I know the logic 

But I can’t get passed  

Each time I make sense of it 

The memories come closer 

A long time ago

They happened

Repeating themselves

Each time locking me in 

As I reason with it

Moving closer 

I think I’m getting better 

Until I find their faces 

Pressed up against the glass

The Forest and the Forum

Torn between two factions 

Two minds and two hearts 

One, tribal 

The other, civilisation itself 

One that runs through the forest 

Spear in hand

The other in an assembly of men 

Head held high, words with virtue 

My heart wants to return to that forest

Whilst my head wants a place in the forum 

The battle plays out constantly

Between beast and man

Daily

Does what I say, 

The vessels I choose

To fill with my thoughts

Count? 

With the daily confusion 

Injected by surety 

By those that make my decisions 

And, just like that 

I stumble again 

Not so sure 

Then sure again 

Of what I’m doing 

Every hour of every day 

It hangs over me 

Time 

Holding me up 

Ever curious as to what I’m doing

And like a fool, I watch her too

Tick, tick, tick away 

Wherever I look 

The passing of numbers 

That seem to grip me

With an anxiety that feeds on itself